Suny Jefferson Sample A Paper Review:

Our group reviews of the Suny Jefferson Sample A Paper:

 

- Reaches the minimum requirement of 3,000 words.

- Citations don't correlate with the Works Cited.

- Transitions are overused, ineffective, and unnecessary.

- Personal voice is hidden behind sources.

- At least 10 credible sources are established on the Works Cited page.

- Case isn't built logically and is quite choppy.

- Multiple sentences aren't displayed with correct grammar

 

-18 sources are cited

-Sources that were cited are all pretty reliable. Some are personal stories where others are news, such as CNN. Example: "Anonymous. Deputy G6, MSE of the 10th Mountain Division. Personal interview. 28 June 2009" "I watch CNN, as previously noted, and the assessment there too is U.S. troop strength is still thin, even with the measures taken to supplement the forces."

-With so many citations throughout the paper it loses the readers voice. Which results in an ineffective paper.

-Signal phases are used. " In support of this analysis, Lawrence Korb, Senior Advisor to the Center for Defense Information, states that the average enlistment period is four years, and most draft proposals call for no more than a two-year enlistment (217)."

-Sources used don't help show both sides of the debate. Clearly is for one side and doesn't show the other.

-Uses similar ways to introduce quotes/ideas from outside sources, "Moreover, draft opponents contend...." "Nevertheless, these same free Americans...."

 

The first paragraph of page 4 starts off by talking about the United States’ economic suffering and how reinstating a draft would lead to positive economic consequences by lowering unemployment rates and lower the cost per soldier. Then it goes onto the 2nd paragraph of page 4, and the way they introduce the next point makes it seem like they are actually just adding on to the previous issue of the States economic issues. For example,

“Therefore, reinstating compulsory conscription would not only aid America through this economic crisis, but would also increase our force strength during America’s global war on terror.

Additionally, what opponents fail to understand is that compulsory conscription is necessary to reintroduce to American citizens what the true concept of citizenship is”.

The Segway makes the page choppy and hard to follow since they continue to do this for the rest of the paper.

The thesis doesn't introduce the points that the paper will cover; instead it goes over a very brief history of the draft and what some people have gained through it.

 

"So states Charles Moskos, late professor of sociology for Northwestern University, recipient of the Distinguished Service Award for the U.S. Army, and a draftee for the U.S. Army Combat Engineers (Moskos)."

This example would make more sense with repositioning of words, or breaking the sentence into more.

 

 

The text doesn't really build a case for itself... There is a system how things are laid out but the text more or less drifts. The author throughout the essay is obviously pro draft and gives many examples of so. such examples are when it tells about how certain people are protected from the draft and that they argue that no one should be exempt. This is hardly an argumentative piece because throughout the essay, everything is one sided towards the pro draft portion and little to nothing against it. All the author talks about are the benefits of having a forced service military service.